L.C. Wright

Author

Month: August 2013 (page 1 of 5)

The Pickle Slicer

WARNING: Think Parental Guidance Before Reading!

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was terribly wrong.

“”What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked

“Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh,” Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill. What happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill, I mean what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…She got fired too.”

 

Some stories are simply too funny not to repeat. Fun books are the same way. Check out my humorous mystery, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket, here (Kindle) or here (Paperback)

Answering Machine Messages

The following is a list of messages you might wish to consider using for yourself:

Answering Machine Messages

1. “Hi! Now you say something.”

2. “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

3. “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

4. “This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call.”

5. “Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”

6. “Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

7. “Hi. This is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

8. “Hi. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

I enjoy having a little humor in my life every day. If you wish to contribute, please leave it here and I just might add it to my list.

I also think that reading a fun mystery will help as well. If you want to try one of mine on for size, check out Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (paperback)

Thanks for your visit.

Lannie

The Bricklayer – Noah Boyd

The Bricklayer

This was my first venture of a Noah Boyd novel. My inital opinion is that if the rest of his work even closely resembles this one…I’ll be a long time fan.

The Bricklayer is about a group of domestic terrorists who claim to be anti-Bureau and demand payment if they want to avoid more killings. The trap is set, a maze has been created with multiple hazards and it’s all about making the good guys look bad…and money.

The clock is ticking and the only hope is an ex-agent who has never been very good at playing by the rule. Enter, Steve Vail…The Bricklayer.

This is one you will keep reading. You can buy it by clicking on the above hyper-link.

Rated 4 1/2 out of 5.

Lannie

Alter of Eden – James Rollins

Altar of Eden

The last time I read a James Rollins novel, I promised myself that I would make sure to keep him on my reading list. Alter of Eden was the first that I’ve come across in a while and am truly glad I did.

Inside the Louisiana swamplands, an evil escapes and death is about to reign across the land. The question is, which is more evil, the beast that’s gotten free or its creators.

It took me a total of five minutes to get hooked on this book and set it down only when kicking and screaming didn’t work. I enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good mystery and willing to get scared by the possibilities of what science can do when it goes un-checked.

Click on the hyperlink above and order a copy today. You’ll be glad you did.

Rated: 41/2 out of 5

Lannie

Trail by Fire – J.A. Jance

This is an Ali Reynolds novel. I’ve read several Jance novels and particularly like the Reynolds works as they twist and turn you around before arriving at somewhat unpredictable endings.

Trial By Fire is one such book.

In the heat of the Arizona desert, a raging fire pushes tempuratures to a deadly degree, and one woman is left to burn. Pulled naked and barely breathing from the fire, the victim has no idea who she is or why anyone would want to kill her.

Ali Reynolds, the police department’s new media consultant, steps out of bounds (and out of the box) to get to the bottom of the attempted murder before the killer has a chance to finish the job.

You can get, Trial by Fire, or any other J.A. Jance novel from Amazon by clicking the link above. I think you’ll like it.

Lannie

The Wrecker – Clive Cussler

Clive Cussler looks to the past–1907–to bring you his action packed novel, The Wrecker.

In a year of financial panic and labor unrest, a series of train wrecks, fires and explosions sabotage the SouthernPacific Railroad’s Cascades express line. Desparate, the railroad hires the fabled Van Dorn Detective Agency to get the results the railroad’s army of protection officers were unable to solve.

Enter–Agent Isaac Bell–the best that Van Dorn has to offer.

From a personal perspective, I like how Cussler gets into the past and brings his novels to life from both a relevant as well as historical perspective. He gets the details right. And after reading his books, you question whether they are novels or historical depictions of fact.

As an author, I have learned a lot about writing as a result of reading his work.

Get The Wrecker or any of Cussler’s novels from Amazon by clicking the link above. You’ll be glad you did.

Lannie

Breathless – Dean Koontz

In the stillness of a golden September afternoon, deep in the wilderness of the Rockies, a solitary craftsman, Grady Adams, and his magnificent Irishhound, Merlin, step from shadow into light…and into an encounter with mystery. That night, a pair of singular animals will watch Grady’s isolated home, waiting to make their approach.

Dean Koontz takes readers into the moment between one turn of the world and the next. It is a journey that will leave all who take it…Breathless.

More in the likeness of Odd Thomas than a Hitchcock thriller, I recommend Breathless as a ride you don’t want to miss. Click on the name and see for yourself.

Lannie

Samash Cut – Sandra Brown

Smash Cut: A Novel

Sandra Brown is not an author I read regularly. However, every once in a while I find something she writes that grabs me and hold my attention all the way through. Smash Cut is one of those books.

Paul Wheeler is wealthy, smart and , some would say, too old for the savvy, sophisticated and young art dealer, Julie Rutledge. When Wheeler is murdered, the DA looks closest at Julie as the person who did the deed.

Derek Mitchell is the hated attorney she hires and he sets out to protect his beautiful new client from the zelots at the DA’s office who seem so focused on the easy conviction that they overlook other possibilities.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I rate Smash Cut a 4. It’s a good read and I don’t think anyone needs to be concerned about getting bored.

 

-Lannie

One For The Money – Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich is where I like to go if I want to read just for the sake of relaxing and smiling (outright belly laughs sometimes).

This book is the first in a series about Stephanie Plum, a woman down on her luck who’s willing to try anything she can to get her life back in order.

The humor regarding her efforts will show that even when life is full of lemons, you better be careful about what you drink.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of reading this wonderful series, I highly recomend you do so now. You’ll thank me later.

-Lannie

  Summary

Stephanie Plum is so smart, so honest, and so funny that her narrative charm could drive a documentary on termites. But this tough gal from New Jersey, an unemployed discount lingerie buyer, has a much more interesting story to tell: She has to say that her Miata has been repossessed and that she’s so poor at the moment that she just drank her last bottle of beer for breakfast. She has to say that her only chance out of her present rut is her repugnant cousin Vinnie and his bail-bond business. She has to say that she blackmailed Vinnie into giving her a bail-bond recovery job worth $10,000 (for a murder suspect), even though she doesn’t own a gun and has never apprehended a person in her life. And she has to say that the guy she has to get, Joe Morelli, is the same creep who charmed away her teenage virginity behind the pastry case in the Trenton bakery where she worked after school.

If that hard-luck story doesn’t sound compelling enough, Stephanie’s several unsuccessful attempts at pulling in Joe make a downright hilarious and suspenseful tale of murder and deceit. Along the way, several more outlandish (but unrelentingly real) characters join the story, including Benito Ramirez, a champion boxer who seems to be following Stephanie Plum wherever she goes.

Janet Evanovich shares an authentic feel for the streets of Trenton in her debut mystery (she developed her talents in a string of romance novels before creating Ms. Plum), and her tough, frank, and funny first-person narrator offers a winning mix of vulgarity and sensitivity. Evanovich is certainly among the best of the new voices to emerge in the mystery field of the 1990s. –Patrick O’Kelley –This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

I, Alex Cross – James Patterson

 

The Alex Cross series is another favorite of mine. James Patterson has a way of using family values as a tool against those who have no values at all.

When a beloved family member is found murdered, Cross (along with his girlfriend) discover that her murder is complicated by a social scene only available by the rich and powerful.

If he digs too deep, His life may not be the only one he puts at risk.

Conflicted with how to maintain a professional life and personal life is always at the core of the Cross series and one with which  I can personally relate.

On a scale of 1 – 5, I give I, Alex Cross a solid 4.25.  Get it and enjoy, I, Alex Cross.

Lannie

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