L.C. Wright

Author

Category: Humor (page 1 of 2)

Holiday Ham

A few years ago, my wife called and asked if I would stop by the butcher’s shop and pick up a ham for the holiday dinner she was preparing. I told her that I would and proceeded to finish my day at the office.

After work, I stopped by the butcher’s shop and requested the prescribed item and then drove home.

My wife opened the package of ham and said, “Oh, no. Honey, you forgot to tell the butcher to cut off the end of the ham. It’s a tradition and I can’t cook it this way. You need to go back and take care of it.

“I don’t get it,” I replied. “Why is it necessary to cut off the end of a ham? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “But, that’s always the way we’ve always done it and I’m not about to change it now. I don’t want any evil coming around my home just because you were too lazy to do the right thing.”

“Well,” I said, “Your mother is in the living room. Let’s go ask her why you do it.”

My wife joined me as we went to ask about the ham tradition.

“I don’t know,” my mother-in-law said when asked about the longstanding dilemma. “That’s the way the way my mother taught me and it’s the way I’ll always do it. It’s tradition.”

More convinced than ever to get to the bottom of the mysterious ham cutting tradition, I said, “Let’s call, Grammy. Maybe she’ll know the answer.”

“Happy holiday’s, Grammy,” I said on the speakerphone. “We’ve got a problem that we were hoping you could help us with.”

“I will if I can,” Grammy replied. “What’s the problem?”

“Your granddaughter told me that I need to take our ham back to the butcher to cut the end off the ham. I had never heard of such a tradition and was wondering if you could enlighten us as to where the tradition came from. It has us baffled.

“Well,” Grammy said, “I can’t answer for anyone else. But for me I cut the end of the ham off because my roasting pan is too small.”cartoon-ham-26762220

Cartoon Physics

1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE UNTIL MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.

2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION UNTIL SOLID MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge’s surcease.

3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house.

4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
Such an object is inevitably priceless; the attempt to catch it, inevitably unsuccessful.

5. ALL PRINCIPLES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.

6. AS SPEED INCREASES OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own vision’s trailing retention of images. A “wacky” character has the option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may ricochet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for self-mass-liberation.

7. CERTAIN BODIES CAN PASS THROUGH A SOLID WALL PAINTED TO RESEMBLE A TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
This tompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to pursue into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not science.

8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
Dangerously palpable objects – such as mallets, dynamite, pies and alluring female attire – can be manifested from what might previously have been considered “thin” air, but only when the friction of immediate jeopardy makes the object’s appearance imperative. The controversial “pocket” theory suggests these objects are drawn from unseen recesses of a character’s costume, or from a storehouse immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.

9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self-pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.

10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

 

Hot Air

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

Been there and done that. If you like the way I share a laugh, give Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket a try. You’ll be glad you did. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks

Taco Bell and the $2 Bill

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

“Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”

“Is that it?”

“Yep.”

“That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”

“No, it’s to *go*.” [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

“Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

“Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

“No. A what?”

“A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

“Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”

IT: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says

“We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”

“Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“See here where it says legal tender?”

“Yeah.”

“So, shouldn’t you take it?”

“Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and

“He says I have to take it.”

“Doesn’t he have anything else?”

“Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”

“I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.”

“What should I do?”

“Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”

“I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”

“Just tell him.”

“No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says

“Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

“Well, here’s a two.”

“We don’t take those either.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I think you know why.”

“No really, tell me, why?”

“Please leave before I call mall security.”

“Excuse me?”

“Please leave before I call mall security.”

“What the hell for?”

“Please, sir.”

“Uh, go ahead, call them.”

“Would you please just leave?”

“No.”

“Fine, have it your way then.”

“No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

“Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

“This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”

“Really? What?”

“Get this, a two dollar bill.”

“Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]

“I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”

“So, the fifty’s fake?”

“NO, the $2 is.”

“Why would he fake a $2 bill?”

“I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

“Yeah…”

Security guard walks over to me and says

“Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

“Uh, no.”

“Lemme see ‘em.”

“Why?”

“Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said

“I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

“Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

“It’s fake.”

“It doesn’t look fake to me.”

“But it’s a **$2** bill.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

 

Finding fun stories is getting to be a lot of fun. But writing fun stories is even better. Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket and enjoy the mystery that’ll make you laugh. Click here (Kindle or here (Paperback). Thanks

What Chapter?

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do.  He goes to the Pastor to seek his advice.  He tells the Pastor about all of his problems in the business and asks the Pastor what he should do.

The Pastor says “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do.”

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: “Chapter 11.”

I appreciate you checking out one of the jokes I’ve posted. But if you want to read a great mystery with a lot of humor, check up and buy, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll love the characters. Thanks

The Nut Case

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. Because you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

“How soon can I go home?”

 

As a writer, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you can laugh on a much bigger scale. Get Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It has great characters and will keep you smiling. Click here (Kindle) or here ( Paperback) to have the kind of fun that keeps giving. Thanks

What Kids Taught Me

You find out interesting things when you have kids, like…

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB&J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and Clorox mix…..(but, boys, it’s toxic, so wear a mask)

 

Would you like to keep smiling? Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It’s a fun mystery with great characters. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback).  Thanks

The Redneck Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin ‘em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gittin that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin . … what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”

 

Now that’s funny…I don’t care who you are. So…do you want to keep the humor coming in? Then try my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It’s a fun read that will keep you smiling. Check it out here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks. You’ll be happy about the smiles.

A Stinking Divorce

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods and cleaned up the kitchen. Then she moved out.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off poison gas, during which they had to move out for a few days. They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons why. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

 

I love it when a plan comes together. If you want to keep the laughs coming, get a copy of my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It has great characters and a lot of reasons to smile. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks, and enjoy the fun.

A Wife’s Wishes

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”

“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”

“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

“And your second wish?”

“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”

The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

Look at you with that smile on your face. I want it to stay there so I’m going to tell you about one more thing. Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. You’ll love the characters and you will keep that smile going. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll be glad you did.

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