L.C. Wright

Author

Category: Humor (page 2 of 3)

The Nut Case

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged. Because you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

“How soon can I go home?”

 

As a writer, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you can laugh on a much bigger scale. Get Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It has great characters and will keep you smiling. Click here (Kindle) or here ( Paperback) to have the kind of fun that keeps giving. Thanks

What Kids Taught Me

You find out interesting things when you have kids, like…

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB&J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and Clorox mix…..(but, boys, it’s toxic, so wear a mask)

 

Would you like to keep smiling? Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It’s a fun mystery with great characters. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback).  Thanks

The Redneck Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin ‘em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gittin that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin . … what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”

 

Now that’s funny…I don’t care who you are. So…do you want to keep the humor coming in? Then try my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It’s a fun read that will keep you smiling. Check it out here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks. You’ll be happy about the smiles.

A Stinking Divorce

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods and cleaned up the kitchen. Then she moved out.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off poison gas, during which they had to move out for a few days. They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons why. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

 

I love it when a plan comes together. If you want to keep the laughs coming, get a copy of my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It has great characters and a lot of reasons to smile. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks, and enjoy the fun.

A Wife’s Wishes

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”

“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”

“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

“And your second wish?”

“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”

The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

Look at you with that smile on your face. I want it to stay there so I’m going to tell you about one more thing. Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. You’ll love the characters and you will keep that smile going. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll be glad you did.

The Very First Blond Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said,

“Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.”

 

Humor can be found anywhere. For a Mystery Book that has a lot of humor, get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll be glad you did.

The Pickle Slicer

WARNING: Think Parental Guidance Before Reading!

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was terribly wrong.

“”What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked

“Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh,” Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill. What happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill, I mean what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…She got fired too.”

 

Some stories are simply too funny not to repeat. Fun books are the same way. Check out my humorous mystery, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket, here (Kindle) or here (Paperback)

Answering Machine Messages

The following is a list of messages you might wish to consider using for yourself:

Answering Machine Messages

1. “Hi! Now you say something.”

2. “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

3. “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

4. “This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call.”

5. “Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”

6. “Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

7. “Hi. This is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

8. “Hi. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

I enjoy having a little humor in my life every day. If you wish to contribute, please leave it here and I just might add it to my list.

I also think that reading a fun mystery will help as well. If you want to try one of mine on for size, check out Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (paperback)

Thanks for your visit.

Lannie

Parking Tickets

  Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole”.  He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”.  He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.

It’s important at our age.

To read one of L.C. Wright’s novels, check out Castle Grey – A Katt and Mouse Mystery. It’s fun too. Here (Kindle) and Here (paperback)

The Geek

  A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way.

A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, “help, help”! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.

Again, “help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.

Moments later, “Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. I’ll do_anything_if_ you_ help_ me, anything”! The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!

The little green frog again screamed out “Help, I’m the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I’ll do anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said “I’m a computer programmer; I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But, a small talking green frog is cool.”

Submitted by: Brandon Smith

You may also be interested in reading one of my novels. For a mystery with a lot of humor, try Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Here (Kindle) and here (paperback)

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